Upon waking, I started the day with the annoying nagging understanding that I only slept approximately five and half hours last night. Probably closer to 4, since I'm not counting the tossing and turning and the the burning lungs and throat and the getting of the humidifier from out of the downstairs bathroom tub, which I reassembled in record time, in order to be time efficient and get as much sleep as possible. Once the humidity kicked in, I was able to fall asleep. It was a miracle.
I must blame my retiring late to my addiction to a certain television show about bikers and the drama that unfolds as they live their lives outside of what's right and good, only to experience far more pain and suffering than if they would just become noble and good citizens and earn fortune in the honest and legal way. But that would make for a boring show, I suppose, so that's not the way it goes.
I like my time alone at night. I love -me- time. I am in a consistent battle with myself regarding early or late rising. My days are consumed by children and dogs, dishes and laundry, business building and exercise, sweat and lack of make up and showers. I am consistently battling my body hair to cease and desist, and it is a losing battle.
In fact, today has felt like one big losing battle. No matter how many times I wash the dishes, more appear. There will always be mountains of laundry, because even when I plan to fold one load per day, and I actually believe it could happen because I'm a hopeless optimist I suppose, it doesn't happen. Not when there are calls to be made, dishes to be done by hand, dogs and kids around my feet, legs and hips and their needs are voiced as each minute passes. I would love to fold laundry, if only I could get to it.
My joy is found in pole. Ah yes, pole will be good! my thoughts agree. However, once I start my lesson I realize that soon my son will be awake, require lunch, and I also told my children I would attend the Halloween parade at school. But I don't know what time it is, so I call the school to find out.
As I drive to the school, which is just down our street, I dread the crowd of people, as I'm currently in slob state with oily hair, aged sweat, partially-removed nail polish, and feeling incredibly non-congenial. But then, as I approach, I see it. And my jaw drops.
Vast masses of cars, lines of them, not just in the school parking lot, but lining the street. I am instantly angered by the emotion that comes upon perfectionists when they believe they are witnessing other parents more perfect than them. Not only is it cold and rainy out, but it appears as though nearly half the metro has turned out for a small elementary school Halloween costume parade. I don't understand. And I feel tears in my eyes as my thoughts deepen into overdrive. Why is this so important to so many people? Why are there so many school events that they have started to seem innumerable to me and if I were to participate in all of them, I might as well work full time as a volunteer at the school?
I have failed. Once again. On top of the many, many things I suck at. This is one of those days. There is no way I'm getting out of my car through two blocks of cold rain, and dash into the fray of thousands of excited parents and children with a cold callous look on my face and the wretchedness that is this day. After all, I justify to myself, when they come home we'll carve pumpkins and then go trick or treating. They have to forgive me for not coming to this insane craziness that is the Suburban Parents Organization of Overachievers. They just have to.
So that is that. I missed the stupid, ridiculous, exalted and worshiped Halloween parade. And I'm here, in my house, dry but not warm, and hoping and wishing that my children will forgive me for being as imperfect as I am.
So here I sit. Oily and out of control. The hopelessness I feel over this entire charade called a day is ghastly.
I am in desperate need of some Jesus, a bible, and a nap. And lots, and lots of crying.
I feel for you! Today I was in fact losing my temper over a lost mask that went with a costume before I realized I could just paint it on! I was so freaked out about him not having his complete costume that I forgot to put an ounce of effort into myself. So I went with my children to main street where the kids might as well be in a parade, only I get to go store door to store door observed by the store owners and other parents as the oily unkept tag along. Thank God for winter hats and coats to cover all that they hid :) We were home by 6:30 pm. I am glad about that as we are all nursing the tail end of a cold and would rather get better than have more candy! Keep your head up Jolene, kids are amazingly forgiving! We could learn a lot from them there! Be a parent where it truly matters, which I think you are!
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself - You are One person & an Amazing one at that. You have an entirely new life, that no one could be expected to have everything go perfectly planned... You are doing just fine Jolene, just have fun with it! Enjoy every moment & remember how lucky you are to be chosen to have so many responsibilities!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, you guys. The kids did end up forgiving me and all was forgotten by the time we got out trick or treating. I'm glad I wasn't the only oily mom out and about, Christa. Laura, my perfectionism gets in the way of counting my blessings sometimes. Thanks for the reminder.
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